Warnings Upon Stumbling on this Blogsite!

this is not for the faint of heart, my journey is only beginning. everything that i go threw and think will be aired out on here..... so if you have problems with mild language content, constant questionable thoughts, and heartache then you might want to reconsider taking this adventure with me.... if you can deal and cope, the welcome the rollercoaster ride of my life! (ps- you might want to strap your seatbelt on extra tight because it tends to get bumpy and spiral downward before it gets better)


Sunday, December 20, 2009

You Can Always Fool Them When You Wear A Smile....

the title is true, i have actually proven this theory over multiple occasions. I am the perfectionist of a person who can hide behind her smile; and let me tell you i am not that much of a perfectionist with my life..... so that tells you something. i am a person who can hide behind my smile, then get people to automatically "lend me their burdens" when i dont want to indulge in mine, aka : i will run from my problems and think im doing good enough of covering my own up. The upside of down in this, alteast people think i am open caring person. well, dont get me wrong i have one of the biggest hearts you will every stumble across (not to brag about anything) but at times i dont use this "caring" i have for the best interest of people around me, i use it selfishly to cover my own hurt up. Welcome to my world!
its taken may years to figure out what was wrong with me and in my mind; everything i was told i was from Borderline Personality Dissorder; to depressent; and settling down in the Bi-Polar realms; and let me go ahead and be specific i am a Bi-Polar depressent...... none of the angry stuff; only a bunch of the crying stuff. And yes i laugh at this too, i am a twenty something year old WOMAN who has an add on problem of MORE crying than i already do in my life! geesh called me blessed in that area.

true definition of Bi-Polar: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.
Both phases of the disease are deleterious. Mania affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, unwise business or financial decisions may be made when an individual is in a manic phase. Depression can also affect thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause grave problems. For example, it elevates the risk of suicide. About 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder.
Although bipolar disorder often worsens over time if untreated, most people with bipolar disorder can achieve stabilization of their mood swings and reduction of symptoms with proper treatment. Treatment usually consists of medications known as "mood stabilizers."
(gathered from: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2468 )

my defintion of Bi-Polar: the fact that i wake up every morning with an indesisive attitude, the constant choice whether to be happy or let a mania (series of up and down rollarcaoster mood swings.... you better make sure your seatbelt is on tight..... im warning you one last time) take over me for the day. sure it sounds easy for someone who has never felt what i feel inside to be like "oh brush it off and youll be fine" or "that is nothing biggie to be all upset about"..... i loath this type of "constructive critisism" i recieve.... because frankly you are not me, and you are not in my brain, so if i am in the middle of a melt down you dont know how i feel, why dont you let me cry it out and mull it over in defensive tones till i work it out in my head that you are ONLY TRYING TO HELP ME before you jump down my throat on how i am not willing to recieve your help. i have the constant block in my head where i have to second guess every thought and action i feel..... so give me time to do it before you jump on me....just saying the world would be a little easier in my head if i dont have the extra pressure / feeling bad if i dont want to listen to your help at that exact moment because i have questions about it. always remember the only stupid question is a question not answered, so its a good thing i contemplate alot to arrange it correctly in my head.

alright on to the next part : manias....

i dont know about everyone else but my manias are usually fun, therefore they can be addicting.... i am overly cheery and perky and can fall into the usual over spending, that is if there is money in my hand (not like YET AGAIN being a girl and having the spending strand already implanted in my DNA is not enough i love how my "malfunction" involves it as well)

i often say by diagnosis is my malfunction in life. because, believe it or not i think i would be a typically normal outgoing person if i didnt have Bi-Polar; then yet again who only wants to be normal, i usually relish in the fact that im not another cookie cutter for of life and can think on my own.

Okay, since ive gotten established on what i go threw in technical and personal opinions; my malfunction does affect my home life with my family and friends and have i yet to mention the fact that i am a single mom, so my beauitful daughter gets the ups and downs like everyone else; and let me tell you that part kills me. all of me doesnt want to be a failure to her, or her look down on me later on in life for who i am. thank heaven shes only one and i constantly pray to God that i will be under control before shes able to tell the difference in me, her momma as she calls me right now. and another honest reason why i am striving to get ahold of this with immediate actions (besides im not happy with who i am) is so i can be the all and best for her.

my family is still rather new into dealing with this revelation of my personality; but they are hanging on and striving with me pretty dang good. you know i dont give them enough credit for all the support they do show, but they are amazing, and i admire them for dealing with my shit, setting me in place, and even deal with me when i am an ass and suffering threw a low mania...aka a depression streak.

my adventure is just starting; ive just been recently diasgnosed and put on proper medications (that yes is helping out if i ever can overcome my sleepiness...which in rememberance of right now i need to take my meds for the night....oops.....) but its going to be alot more than just medication wise to help me. its going to take strength and determination to choose the possitive waking up every morning and learning to fight the negative; which i will with guidance only from God and the support and shoulder of my friends and family; and mostly the unconditional love of my daugher.

this is enough for the night; i really dont feel like opening up anymore. i will start my usual days on here tomorrow morning. i hope that by reading this and going on this adventure with me you will realize that Bi-Polar is just like a say a malfunction and that people who suffer with the diagnosis are normal people like you and can even be that smiling face you would never thought would have as much suffering to hide behind that smile as i would. So for the next couple of days, smile at random people you dont know, make their spirits be lifted and show them that they acknowladged among the world..... because i cant begin to describe how it makes me feel when some one does it for me, a person who feels like they are overlooked amongst the world. And who knows maybe you will recieve that same warm smile you display back, i know if you ever run across me you will.

- a friendly face with secrets to keep

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