Warnings Upon Stumbling on this Blogsite!

this is not for the faint of heart, my journey is only beginning. everything that i go threw and think will be aired out on here..... so if you have problems with mild language content, constant questionable thoughts, and heartache then you might want to reconsider taking this adventure with me.... if you can deal and cope, the welcome the rollercoaster ride of my life! (ps- you might want to strap your seatbelt on extra tight because it tends to get bumpy and spiral downward before it gets better)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

well back after a winter solice :)

sorry i have been gone so long, i have definatly caught the creeping crap that everyone had....even my daughter; so its been a hard past week.
not back to 100% percent but definatly close! id give me a 98.8% so far, just still tired from it all.

well, i found a doctor for my theropy appointments that i throughly like. he doesnt put up with any shit i try to diss and i quite like it like that. hes helped me alot with my dealings of my former marriage with mr. psycho; whom by the way has taken things to a greater height now, its been quite humrous and i am finally glad i have found laughter amougnst all the crazy shit he says and threatens.....

im going to share my one secret of the day for you; music speaks the words that the soul cannot... therefore if you are amongst a rut.... try finding some good music that can relate to your soul where you can there then reveal your deepest thoughts. take for example as i am doing this entry i am listing to my music player ive posted because most of those songs on there speak what i feel; or they just plane cheer me up :)

my Edward is gone; but that is okay cause i will see him soon.... i hope. i mean yeah i feel the tightness and uncomfortableness has set back in ever since he left; but its something i am used to since he has left... its like a comfortable numb; good thing on my bad days hes only a text message away :) i want only the best for him as he does for me and i know where he is is where he needs to be so im always going to be supportive no matter how much i miss him, cause i am lucky that hes my best friend.

My miss panama i got to spend time with which i needed so gravely and had such an amazing time :) i get to see her again this upcomming week; gosh i have missed her and missed her in my life.

My mister muscles comes home wed :) im way past ready for him to be home. he has truely grown to such a good and close friend over these past few months its been surprising. hes true and will definatly set me straight when i feel like i am drowning.... its nice. i cant wait till he gets here and we go see miss panama :)

ive been reconnected with an old friend of mine, we shall call her miss diva, and unexpectedly its been nice. i love having her around she is tons of fun and such a good listener and talker....

and this week has been amazing time with my dad and has given us time to reconnect; which is what we have desperatly needed since i usually do such a good job of butchering the strings to our relationship. we had a daddy daughter date and went and saw sherlock holmes, watched the rose bowl, and just had a good week. its nice to have the relationship off of eggshells

Mi Madre' is home.... still sick...but on meds, and its nice to have her bouncing around again and everything just back in a good sync

i guess what i am trying to really say with my blog is that i am doing well right now; basically living how its supposed to be.... and only consentrating on the possitives besides negatives because the only thing that can bring me down is me and my thoughts.

one person i want to be reconnected with more is my sister; i miss her and i know shes busy as i am but still i miss my best my friend.

and while i am on happy things; guess what? its not a mental battle as bad in waking up in the morning...which is good. i mean im not gonna say that its gone by no means because i am fully aware that it will never be 100% gone; there are times when i wake up and nothing but negative pops in my mind; but what i am trying to say is that it is becomming easier and easier to pick the possitive besides the negative even in my groggy state. i am so happy and proud of myself.... i am gonna give my ownself a pat on the back.... i love to see things getting accomplished in my life when i am working so hard on it.

well this is all for right now i am rather hungry ( and i need to continue working out and watching what i eat because my meds have made me gain some weight where i am suffering with self conscience of my body but i am sure i will work threw it.... im not letting it bring me down yet; i really hope its not my next pitfall, so yeah i definatly need to change it :-/ )and im gonna go rent us a movie for the night and see if i can get some facewash and a new notebook and some new rsvp pens (keeping my fingers crossed i can) ill write more later

Saturday, December 26, 2009

merry late Christmas, and a bah-hum-bugg to those who need it!

Christmas was great this year, for my daughter especially. i loved seeing the light up of her face whenever she saw whatever santa clause had brought her! and in those moments i re relized why im on my adventure of getting my bi-polar under control. not just for me but for her.

i apologize for not blogging the past few days, they have been busy but very much relaxing in the same sense....meaning when i wasnt busy i was busy relaxing, which is something i needed very much so, especially to gather my thoughts on my life.... and i have come to the conclusion that i am loving life right now to the max!

my very best friend is in town, and i admitt im on a high of a rush, cause with him here i feel like "ah heres my comfort....i can breath again" literally this guy is my breath of fresh air or my breath suddenly refilling my lungs with CPR when i need him. he truely is the dearest friend i have and the best one threw the years. he doesnt put up with my shit, hes known i was bi-polar a full year before i knew, and hes been threw all the shit with me and he still comes with open arms, forgives me and lets me cry and relax and i love him more than he will ever know for it..... from now on i will refere to him as Edward (you know as twilight Edward), cause he has always saved me know knows me who i am truely and loves and cares for me for who i am over looking my bi-polar and shit, just like an older brother would and should....just like Bella who thinks of Edward in the book as her fresh air and someone who she needed to live; this is who he is to me (without the romantic part i would be more like Alice with him hints the whole brother part)

well yes Edward is in town, im excited, and no im not on a mania, havent had one in a while, which with the main source of stress, we shall call him mr. annoying, been pounding my voicemail and texting, i should have been on atleast three or four at this point. which i guess is one sign that my meds are fully starting to take affect! Thank you God!

with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, my daughter sound asleep peaceful (back home yay :) ), soon to be lit cig and my new great book i am enjoying (Nicholas Sparks The Last Song), and a great night out with Edward tonight, and the whole week with him (threw new years yay! with the addition of my very best girl friend, we shall call her miss panama, here as well) and a new dearest friend, mister muscles, each day that passes is a day closer to him coming home (yes hes still keeping me straight and kicking my butt over the phone when needed) and seeing my sister and wanting my reconnection with her, and overall the enjoyment with my parents and my family this holiday week.... my life is going GREAT!

ahh *sighs* im going to enjoy it while i can because i know it will pitfall eventually; but right now the outlook when that will happen looks able to bare, yes at the moment; might be different amongst the pitfall... but like i say there are always "upsides of down" and right now i see clearly the upsides.... thank you everyone in my life who is apart of this; i love yall more than life itself and i hope yall can see im trying my best!

ps- i finally get to go to my dr. again on monday so yay! open up and vent a little and continue on trucking! whose on board with me?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

its always good when you have a ittle encouragement....

thanks to one of my friends and some significant swift kicks to my but and some good ol' fashion preaching / shoving me back on the right direction and praying for me..... i feel 100% lighter and a 100% better, in the end thanks to be to God for always being my light when i am scared of the dark and my superhero when i try to save the world all on my own.

medicine.... we arent getting along right now, not dancing the same tango..... and let me tell you i am starting to suffer, maybe tonight when i start my new workout program i will wear myself completly out and fall in to bed exhasuted and sleep... i pray for that and peaceful sleep without worry or any concern on my mind.

my meds..... they help but how i have felt all day today i feel they are not worth it, i would rather go on having extreme manias and all than feel as down and out on my luck as i have all day. i really hope that i can get control of these feelings here soon.

i also think (besides mister muscles pointing out that i havent turned all my problems over to God) that the fact i didnt have my consouling appointment this week because of the holidays i feel like i am caring extra baggage around.

hm, im just gonna fall asleep tonight and think of it as a new day tomorrow and a fresh start.....

goodnight everyone, i hope yall have had an amazing day, i feel tonight is going to be great for me!

remember to smile at everyone you come across, you never know when someone needs it!

- a friendly face with secrets to keep

Good morning, or shall i say decent overclouded semi cold and tired morning? which ever fits you today.....

okay before i go on a rant, i just woke up. and upon doing so i figured i would go ahead and get some coffee in my system and help me wake up faster (my meds have me dragging slow today...this is what my upcommig rant is about) well, spaced out little me decided to go ahead and put in the grains and turn it on, cause i need coffee like RIGHT NOW type of deal, the faster the better. so to blow some time i decided to go smoke a ciggarette (one addicition i am not proud of but will quit in my own time frame). did u catch where i went wrong in my coffee making adventure?? grains in coffee pot + ______ + turn on= great coffee...yup i forgot to add the dang water.... of course i think its funny now but just a few min ago i was completely down on myself in a bad way..... welcome to my kind of morning. im too hard on myself period...... i can never just laugh it off without thinking the whole entire accident threw....bleh, when i got woken up today in a good mood from an awesome guy (we shall call him mister muscles) then that happened..... well that just reevaluated in my mind how my day was gonna go, boo so here i am starting over and in my mind telling myself its gonna be a gret day! my favorite holiday is just round the corner, i ended up having a blast last night, and im sure im gonna have a good day today!
especially since i have now decided to go to trade school (in cosmotollagy) to get a degree in my trade and work it till i get out of my regular college :) so this is my way of showing me i have things to be hopeful for and reasons to smile today, just now have to pray that i get into the schoo next semester and quick like.
ill blog more later today, especially bout the meds part....which is what i really need to rant about, but my coffee is FINALLY DONE THE RIGHT WAY NOW!!!!! so im going to go enjoy a cup with vanilla/caremel flavor and wake up some! i hope yall are having a good day!

btw- my daughter looks absolutly adorable today, shes wearing her Grinch sweater.... hehehehe

-a friendly face with secrets to keep

Monday, December 21, 2009

Will you choose the dark side? i heard they have cookies :)

so this morning i woke up and actually felt like i was going to have a good day. these days come very rare to me at the moment, usually i have to mull over the fact of weighing out so many odds against me to the possitive, and let me tell you they seem like a million to one..... so you could say that the black hole of the dark side is sucking me besides me giving the voluentarty go ahead i wanna join to the darkside.
i also upon just waking up like 45 in ago, and no im still not wide awake yet this usually takes about a good 2 hour process, i still had to release some stuff that was weighing down my conscience, which i did, and of course it never on the pleasing side so i get to see my family dissapointed in me, which hurts the same, but i still feel a weight off my shoulders and a little lighter in my heart, and a little optomism in my day. did i mention i love my family? i do, its hard to show it at times with my actions while trying to learn how to control this malfunction of mine, but i know i will always have their support as long as i am getting help from myself. which right now i am doing, i have the people that i go to and see.... they are wonderful and truely have a big heart of compassion and caring (i can tell someone else who has a big caring heart). the downside of my up today is that they might be reschedualing or cancelling an appointment today, because ive got a couple of missed calls and a voicemail telling me to return their call "reguarding" my appointment. i hope its just a push back or something minute and not like a cancelling or whatever, because i really need them and someone to just confide in today.
even though ive already had an eventful morning and alot of reasons that i could be spirialing down, i have remained on the bright side (they serve something better than cookies.....chocolate!) and i will be having a good day today. ill blog later on when i fully wake up and continue on my path for today, and i cant promise that i wont spiral downwards cause i am dealing with alot mentally today, but all i can do is try and remain in the possitive.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

You Can Always Fool Them When You Wear A Smile....

the title is true, i have actually proven this theory over multiple occasions. I am the perfectionist of a person who can hide behind her smile; and let me tell you i am not that much of a perfectionist with my life..... so that tells you something. i am a person who can hide behind my smile, then get people to automatically "lend me their burdens" when i dont want to indulge in mine, aka : i will run from my problems and think im doing good enough of covering my own up. The upside of down in this, alteast people think i am open caring person. well, dont get me wrong i have one of the biggest hearts you will every stumble across (not to brag about anything) but at times i dont use this "caring" i have for the best interest of people around me, i use it selfishly to cover my own hurt up. Welcome to my world!
its taken may years to figure out what was wrong with me and in my mind; everything i was told i was from Borderline Personality Dissorder; to depressent; and settling down in the Bi-Polar realms; and let me go ahead and be specific i am a Bi-Polar depressent...... none of the angry stuff; only a bunch of the crying stuff. And yes i laugh at this too, i am a twenty something year old WOMAN who has an add on problem of MORE crying than i already do in my life! geesh called me blessed in that area.

true definition of Bi-Polar: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.
Both phases of the disease are deleterious. Mania affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, unwise business or financial decisions may be made when an individual is in a manic phase. Depression can also affect thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause grave problems. For example, it elevates the risk of suicide. About 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder.
Although bipolar disorder often worsens over time if untreated, most people with bipolar disorder can achieve stabilization of their mood swings and reduction of symptoms with proper treatment. Treatment usually consists of medications known as "mood stabilizers."
(gathered from: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2468 )

my defintion of Bi-Polar: the fact that i wake up every morning with an indesisive attitude, the constant choice whether to be happy or let a mania (series of up and down rollarcaoster mood swings.... you better make sure your seatbelt is on tight..... im warning you one last time) take over me for the day. sure it sounds easy for someone who has never felt what i feel inside to be like "oh brush it off and youll be fine" or "that is nothing biggie to be all upset about"..... i loath this type of "constructive critisism" i recieve.... because frankly you are not me, and you are not in my brain, so if i am in the middle of a melt down you dont know how i feel, why dont you let me cry it out and mull it over in defensive tones till i work it out in my head that you are ONLY TRYING TO HELP ME before you jump down my throat on how i am not willing to recieve your help. i have the constant block in my head where i have to second guess every thought and action i feel..... so give me time to do it before you jump on me....just saying the world would be a little easier in my head if i dont have the extra pressure / feeling bad if i dont want to listen to your help at that exact moment because i have questions about it. always remember the only stupid question is a question not answered, so its a good thing i contemplate alot to arrange it correctly in my head.

alright on to the next part : manias....

i dont know about everyone else but my manias are usually fun, therefore they can be addicting.... i am overly cheery and perky and can fall into the usual over spending, that is if there is money in my hand (not like YET AGAIN being a girl and having the spending strand already implanted in my DNA is not enough i love how my "malfunction" involves it as well)

i often say by diagnosis is my malfunction in life. because, believe it or not i think i would be a typically normal outgoing person if i didnt have Bi-Polar; then yet again who only wants to be normal, i usually relish in the fact that im not another cookie cutter for of life and can think on my own.

Okay, since ive gotten established on what i go threw in technical and personal opinions; my malfunction does affect my home life with my family and friends and have i yet to mention the fact that i am a single mom, so my beauitful daughter gets the ups and downs like everyone else; and let me tell you that part kills me. all of me doesnt want to be a failure to her, or her look down on me later on in life for who i am. thank heaven shes only one and i constantly pray to God that i will be under control before shes able to tell the difference in me, her momma as she calls me right now. and another honest reason why i am striving to get ahold of this with immediate actions (besides im not happy with who i am) is so i can be the all and best for her.

my family is still rather new into dealing with this revelation of my personality; but they are hanging on and striving with me pretty dang good. you know i dont give them enough credit for all the support they do show, but they are amazing, and i admire them for dealing with my shit, setting me in place, and even deal with me when i am an ass and suffering threw a low mania...aka a depression streak.

my adventure is just starting; ive just been recently diasgnosed and put on proper medications (that yes is helping out if i ever can overcome my sleepiness...which in rememberance of right now i need to take my meds for the night....oops.....) but its going to be alot more than just medication wise to help me. its going to take strength and determination to choose the possitive waking up every morning and learning to fight the negative; which i will with guidance only from God and the support and shoulder of my friends and family; and mostly the unconditional love of my daugher.

this is enough for the night; i really dont feel like opening up anymore. i will start my usual days on here tomorrow morning. i hope that by reading this and going on this adventure with me you will realize that Bi-Polar is just like a say a malfunction and that people who suffer with the diagnosis are normal people like you and can even be that smiling face you would never thought would have as much suffering to hide behind that smile as i would. So for the next couple of days, smile at random people you dont know, make their spirits be lifted and show them that they acknowladged among the world..... because i cant begin to describe how it makes me feel when some one does it for me, a person who feels like they are overlooked amongst the world. And who knows maybe you will recieve that same warm smile you display back, i know if you ever run across me you will.

- a friendly face with secrets to keep